On Passivity

I have realized as of late, both in my own life, and through my work that passivity (that is: being passive - if it wasn't a word, it is now) is a huge problem in American culture. I have no ideas of any other culture is better about it, but we Americans certainly have difficulty with it.

And just so you don't think that by posting this, I am being passive - this is not directed at anyone, just musings related to several things that have occurred over the past year or so. It is so difficult for us to tell someone he has hurt our feelings, or said something that led to an anger response, or just simply slighted us. We also fail to realize that most of the problem lies in US and how we are thinking about or feeling about an incident that happened. Let me given an example:

Incident: Someone doesn't speak to you when you see them in Walmart (or some other public situation).
When this happens you could think the following things: "He just totally ignored me. He is so stuck up!" or "What a jerk, I can't believe he didn't even say hello!" or some other varient of a negative thought. This thought process would likely result in feeling hurt or angry.

OR

You could think: "Oh, he must have a lot going on and must have been distracted" or "I usually see him at work and he probably didn't recognize me in regular clothes" or some varient of that thought process. This thought process would likely result in feeling okay or even amused.

What you now must realize is that the incident did not change. The same thing still happened but how you thought about it resulted in which feelings you felt.

(This is cognitive therapy in one its most basic forms, which happens to be one of my main theoretical orientations regarding therapy. )

So, if we tend to lean towards the negative thought processes then we will be chronically unhappy and probably blame it on everyone else and how they act. I think that then leads to being passive. We are so sure that we know exactly what that person who did whatever was thinking - that we act accordingly. With the example above, it would lead to two very different reactions. If you thought the person was intentionally ignoring you, most of us would then react with anger, or passive-aggression, etc. However, if you thought that the person was simply distracted you would probably laugh and then tease the person good naturedly about how you saw them in Walmart and he totally missed you. It is pretty easy to see how this simple example can be translated into our own life.

Have you ever thought or told your spouse that you knew exactly why he/she did something? This is a huge problem in many marriages that wind up in my office. We women tend to be a bit worse at doing the mind-reading game. What I would ask you then, is "are you a mind reader? and if so, I would like the lottery numbers please". We have to allow ourselves to entertain the idea that we might just be wrong about something. By doing this, we can start to think about how to deal with the situation in ways other than being passive.

If you tell the person who said something that resulted in your feelings being hurt that your feelings were hurt - in a kind and assertive manner, you allow him to help you solve the problem. You might have totally misunderstood what he said or what he intended. There is the chance that you could be right, that he meant to hurt you, but at least you know it and can react accordingly. I would wager though that 95% of the time, you will be wrong in your mindreading about the other person's motivations. And what you are doing by mindreading is not even giving the other person a chance to rectify the situation.

Keep in mind though that the opposite of being passive is not being aggressive. There is a wonderful middle ground called assertiveness. "A person communicates assertively by overcoming fear to speak his or her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that respects the personal boundaries of others." - I love Wikipedia. This allows you to speak your mind and explain your feelings in such a way that the other person still feels respected and not attacked.

You can not change how others act, you can only change how you react.

*note* I used the pronoun "him, he etc." just because it was easy and correct, nothing against the guys out there. :) I try not to use that pronouns "they" in singular situations.

*note2* I can't seem to find spellcheck on here, so sorry if I missed something!

Spring is around the corner!

Even though there is still snow on the ground, I can feel it in my bones that spring is just around the corner. As spring gets closer my creative ideas get going more and more! One thing that my family and I have in common on both sides is a creative streak and it has always been something that I enjoy. I am planning on taking out the fish pond that has been "gracing" my back yard for the last few years and put in a garden and water fountain that is much easier to maintain.

The pond has been a huge hassle every spring that I really don't enjoy. Last year I had to tear down and rebuild the fountain part of it several times because it had settled and water was going backwards instead of down the waterfall into the pond. We had fish in there for a year or so, but they were eaten by a raccoon last spring and I didn't see the need of spending more money to replace them when I wouldn't have anywhere to put them in the winter anyways. Since it was there when we bought the house, I don't really have any idea of how it was constructed and so fixing it has been difficult.

So my plan is to pull it all out, discard the rocks that I no longer need and fill it in with soil. The area has a lovely lilac bush on one side of it that will stay and serve as a good anchor for that side of the garden. I am not sure yet what plants I will be getting as I need to study what the light is like in that area. It gets some sun on the east side of it, but the tree creates a lot of shade most of the day. So, likely plants will be ones that don't mind partial sun or mostly shade. I really loved having the sound of moving water of the pond so I am working on creating a water feature. I found a great set of instructions for making a fountain with clay pots. This should easily cost me less than a hundred dollars and I will be able to design it myself. And it will be much easier to maintain, will use much less water, and possibly less energy (if I am able to find a reasonable solar powered pump). So mother earth and I both win!

I am very much looking forward to the spring and getting everything looking pretty again. The plants in my front area should all come back this spring, I just need to cut back the pampas grass and the growing vines. I will have to do something next to the garage again this year, perhaps more tomato plants since they seemed to thrive there last year. I wish I could figure out what to do by the garage corner that gets zero sunlight. Grass won't grow there and it's always muddy. Ideas? I don't really have a green thumb but I am getting better. I get almost all of my plants from Jim's Greenhouse on Hwy 61 so they are quality plants which helps.

So between that and all of the painting I want to get done this spring inside the house; I should keep plenty busy!

Stuff

I haven't forgotten to post, but things have been busy and relatively uninteresting lately. My class has started at QU and so far so good. I am keeping busy at church, which I love. I can't believe that it is February already. Next Friday will be one year since my accident. I am definitely much better than I was last year, but the insurance side of it hasn't been settled yet so it could be stressful in the next few months until that gets dealt with. My husband is still amazing and I swear he gets more awesome by the day. I am so blessed to have him in my life!

Highlights of 2009

This year has been a surprisingly tough one. Thinking over the last year leaves me wondering what 2010 could possibly bring me. The following is a bit of a run down of what the year was like. Hopefully I can do justice to the good things that have happened along with the not-so-good things.

1. January was a pretty good month I think, nothing major good or bad.

2. February was the month of my car accident. It happened on Feb 19th and then I got a kidney stone on Feb 23rd. Kind of a double whammy there! We were able to get new vehicles and for the first time in my life, I bought my own vehicle and got exactly what I wanted. There is always a silver lining.

3. March was pretty much a month of pain from the car accident. It hurt to do everything from washing my hair, picking up my nephew, gardening, and everything else.

4. April continued the healing process from the car accident. It was probably about this time that I realized that I would have to hire a lawyer to make sure that the car insurance covered what they were required to cover and I didn't get tricked out of them covering my medical bills.

5. May was a month of medical tests. I hired the lawyer at the beginning of the month. I also had a chest x-ray and a chest CT scan to try to determine why I was still experiencing pain in my chest. Neither showed an answer and my chiropractor hypothesized that it was due to ribs being out of place. Based on the pain in my chest and in my back I agreed that this was a likely cause for the pain. This was also the month that I talked to Geoff and Marissa about joining the First Christian Church and found that they were kindred souls. This month I made the decision that I would join FCC after I completed my obligations at the church in Loraine.

6. June was a fairly low-key month. At the end of the month, my vacation started and my mom and I painted our living room and I painted the upstairs guest bedroom and decorated it.

7. July was the month of my 27th birthday. I went forward at church on my birthday and joined the church and reconfirmed my faith in Jesus Christ. My best friend Jenn came for the weekend and we had a great time going around and taking pictures, getting her hair cut, and drinking margaritas at the mexican restaurant. This was the first year I took a whole week of vacation to just kick back and enjoy. Two weeks after my birthday I was baptized.

8. August was a month of reconnecting. My friend Aaron got married to a wonderful woman and I was blessed to have been able to be there. My aunt Debbie came back for a visit from Texas. I hadn't seen her since Steve and I got married so it was nice to visit with her again. My nephew turned three this month and we got to have a party to celebrate him. I also believe this was the month that my husband came forward at church and made his confession of faith and was baptized. Such an answered prayer! I think I also joined the praise band at church this month. I am so glad I did!

9. September marked my and Steve's two year wedding anniversary. It's hard to believe that such a wonderful man could be mine! We had a relatively low-key celebration as is our usual custom.

10. October was also a good month. I believe I had my fourth or fifth bout of tonsilitis this month and finally got an appointment scheduled in November to have them removed.

11. November was a very busy month. I had my tonsils removed on the 18th and then had to deal with recovery and Thanksgiving. Steve and I had to split our Thanksgivings this year since they were both on the same day. We also celebrated Christmas with his dad this month. This month also holds my husband's birthday on the 10th. I was also finally released by my chiropractor this month and my neck and chest and back are feeling pretty good. I still have some pain in my chest.

12. December was also a very busy month. We had about eight Christmas get-togethers to make it to. We made it to about five of them due to problems with the weather or scheduling problems. It was wonderful to spend time with family. I managed to crack my toenail and have to have that taken care of (yesterday) so it hurts. And I have an ultrasound today to determine if something is going on that shouldn't be. Praying that it will go well. We also got a kitty this month and he passed away three weeks later due to complications with his declaw. So this was kind of a sad month.

All in all it was a fairly stressful year but it also had plenty of blessings in it. I am very thankful to have a wonderful marriage with a great man and so many loving friends and family. I am grateful for a new church family that welcomed me and Steve with open arms. Hopefully all the medical issues will be resolving themselves soon and I will be able to get the car accident taken care of soon as well. There's my year in review!

Sadness

We adopted a little kitten from the local Humane Society about three weeks ago. We named him Hemingway The HS had him neutered and declawed at a local vet, though not the one that we planned on using for his regular care. We picked him up on a Tuesday and brought him home. His poor little feet where swollen and a little bloody. The HS told us that he had pawed at his cage and tore the bandages off. We weren't given any pain meds for him but were told that he had been given a shot for pain. So we kept an eye on him and his feet shrunk down to normal size though he was still favoring them quite a bit. He was still favoring them quite a bit by Saturday so I decided to call our vet and take him in. The doc was super nice and thought that he was just experiencing pain. His feet didn't look bad so I was in agreement. He gave me pain meds to give him and got him set up to come back for future vaccinations that he would need. He seemed to improve throughout the week though he was still favoring his feet. On Friday during my lunch hour, I noticed that his feet looked swollen. Not wanting to freak out unneccesarily I waited until Steve could look at them. He agreed that they looked swollen so I called the vet on Saturday and took him down again. Nine out of ten of his digits were infected so they ended up keeping him and pushing out the infection, cleaning, and wrapped his paws. They gave me antibiotics and more pain meds for him. He didn't like having his feet wrapped but he took it well. We had to take him back on Monday to get his feet cleaned and wrapped again. He went through it without any problems. Throughout the week he seems to get a lot better and was much more playful. We had to take him back on Friday to have his paws cleaned and wrapped again. Steve dropped him off and I was going to pick him up in the afternoon when he was done. I got a call at work while I was in session from the vet. I called him back on my lunch hour. He told me that Hemingway had done fine while they were cleaning his paws but that he had been concerned that he wasn't healing as quickly as he should have been. In between the time he had called me to see if there was any known underlying conditions becaues Hemi's feet weren't healing very quickly and by the time I called him back, Hemingway had died from unknown complications. Needless to say it was quite shocking and unexpected. I could tell the vet felt really bad and felt even worse that he couldn't give us an explanation.

I got home and had to wake up Steve and tell him what happened. We ended up going to the vet office and picking up our sweet kitty which the vet had put in a bag and box for us. He told Steve the same story about what had happened that he had told me and again expressed his sorrow for our loss. He agreed to go ahead and test for feline leukemia and FIV just in case as Hemi was near other kitties at the HS. He called me that night and told me that Hemi had tested negative. So we may never know what took our little kitty from us. It's amazing how fast we bonded with him. It hurt so badly to lose him and I still expect to see or hear him padding around the corner looking for me. I miss him cuddling up next to me in bed and purring with his loud Hemi motor.

We took him to Mom's with us yesterday and buried him next to the cat I grew up with that mom had to put down earlier this year. I sincerely wish that I believed that animals can go to heaven. Though I do believe that animals are God's creatures and that God takes care of his creatures so I think he's okay, no matter what.

Rest in peace little Hemingway, you are missed and loved.

Christmas is coming!

It's that time of year again when the lights and trees are up and suddenly everyone loves everyone else. I have always been a big fan of Christmas. Despite not really growing up with a lot of money, my parents always managed to provide a good Christmas for us and it was a joy to get up really early and sneak downstairs and stare at the living room full of gifts. It's not really as much fun now as it was then since I usually know what's under the tree. It takes a lot of the anticipation away when you pretty much already know what you are unwrapping. It's kind of a double edged sword though because if I don't ask for what I specifically would like, then I end up with some really strange random things sometimes! But I really think my favorite part of Christmas is the beauty of the season. I love how beautiful houses look when they are all decorated. I love how amazing the church looks when all the greens and lights have been hung up. I especially love Christmas music. I also love to give presents and try to find the perfect thing that the specific person would love. Unfortunately I have resorted to gift cards over the past few years because some people are so hard to buy for.

This year Christmas will be busy as usual. We have already celebrated Christmas with Steve's dad as he was only coming back for Thanksgiving and not around Christmas. We will be going to my mom's this Saturday afternoon, and then my dad's on Saturday evening. Then on Sunday we will go to Steve's aunt and uncle's house for a get-together and ornament exchange. Then Christmas day we will go to Steve's mom's for lunch and then to my step-family's the day after Christmas. Unfortunately we do have to miss Christmas with my paternal grandparents since it is at the same times as my mom's. But I made sure to go there for Thanksgiving since I had a feeling that the Christmases would conflict. I am learning that you can't make people happy all the time, and not usually even most of the time. So we try to get where we can and not feel stressed over it. Feeling stressed over Christmas kinda defeats the purpose in my mind. I do feel sad about having to miss two Saturday night church services in a row but I suppose sacrifices must be made. And since I am always the child who has to bend then my stuff gets missed. But it keeps the peace so I guess it is worth it in the end.

Tonsils

I had my tonsils removed yesterday morning and am actually not feeling as horrible as I thought I would be. Except for my throat and a bit of a wheezing cough, physically I don't feel too bad. My lungs were irritated after the surgery, most likely from the tube they put down my throat, they said. It does hurt quite a bit to talk so I have resorted to using a notebook to help me communicate with Steve. I am trying to take it easy and not push myself as I have been known to do in the past when recovering. I have amoxocillin and tylonel with codeine, both in liquid forms that I can squirt into my mouth with a syringe. The tylonel with codeine burns my throat a lot so it is always followed with a water chaser, lol.

I got out a flashlight and looked at the back of my throat. It's pretty gross and I can't imagine what it will look like when it scabs up. I was able to "eat" chicken broth and sherbet ice cream last night. I could have just kept eating the ice cream. It really helped numb my throat while I was eating it.

I wish I knew how long it was going to be until I could sing again, but I will just have to play that by ear (ha, no pun intended). Steve will go back to work tonight but I am sure I will be fine here. I have lots of movies and two bookshelves crammed with books, and of course, the internet!

I think I am going to get some ice cream again. I am trying to stay away from the dairy type stuff since people have told me that it kinda coats your throat. Sherbet doesn't do that, as it is not dairy. And I have jello too so it's all good.