On Passivity

I have realized as of late, both in my own life, and through my work that passivity (that is: being passive - if it wasn't a word, it is now) is a huge problem in American culture. I have no ideas of any other culture is better about it, but we Americans certainly have difficulty with it.

And just so you don't think that by posting this, I am being passive - this is not directed at anyone, just musings related to several things that have occurred over the past year or so. It is so difficult for us to tell someone he has hurt our feelings, or said something that led to an anger response, or just simply slighted us. We also fail to realize that most of the problem lies in US and how we are thinking about or feeling about an incident that happened. Let me given an example:

Incident: Someone doesn't speak to you when you see them in Walmart (or some other public situation).
When this happens you could think the following things: "He just totally ignored me. He is so stuck up!" or "What a jerk, I can't believe he didn't even say hello!" or some other varient of a negative thought. This thought process would likely result in feeling hurt or angry.

OR

You could think: "Oh, he must have a lot going on and must have been distracted" or "I usually see him at work and he probably didn't recognize me in regular clothes" or some varient of that thought process. This thought process would likely result in feeling okay or even amused.

What you now must realize is that the incident did not change. The same thing still happened but how you thought about it resulted in which feelings you felt.

(This is cognitive therapy in one its most basic forms, which happens to be one of my main theoretical orientations regarding therapy. )

So, if we tend to lean towards the negative thought processes then we will be chronically unhappy and probably blame it on everyone else and how they act. I think that then leads to being passive. We are so sure that we know exactly what that person who did whatever was thinking - that we act accordingly. With the example above, it would lead to two very different reactions. If you thought the person was intentionally ignoring you, most of us would then react with anger, or passive-aggression, etc. However, if you thought that the person was simply distracted you would probably laugh and then tease the person good naturedly about how you saw them in Walmart and he totally missed you. It is pretty easy to see how this simple example can be translated into our own life.

Have you ever thought or told your spouse that you knew exactly why he/she did something? This is a huge problem in many marriages that wind up in my office. We women tend to be a bit worse at doing the mind-reading game. What I would ask you then, is "are you a mind reader? and if so, I would like the lottery numbers please". We have to allow ourselves to entertain the idea that we might just be wrong about something. By doing this, we can start to think about how to deal with the situation in ways other than being passive.

If you tell the person who said something that resulted in your feelings being hurt that your feelings were hurt - in a kind and assertive manner, you allow him to help you solve the problem. You might have totally misunderstood what he said or what he intended. There is the chance that you could be right, that he meant to hurt you, but at least you know it and can react accordingly. I would wager though that 95% of the time, you will be wrong in your mindreading about the other person's motivations. And what you are doing by mindreading is not even giving the other person a chance to rectify the situation.

Keep in mind though that the opposite of being passive is not being aggressive. There is a wonderful middle ground called assertiveness. "A person communicates assertively by overcoming fear to speak his or her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that respects the personal boundaries of others." - I love Wikipedia. This allows you to speak your mind and explain your feelings in such a way that the other person still feels respected and not attacked.

You can not change how others act, you can only change how you react.

*note* I used the pronoun "him, he etc." just because it was easy and correct, nothing against the guys out there. :) I try not to use that pronouns "they" in singular situations.

*note2* I can't seem to find spellcheck on here, so sorry if I missed something!