Waging A War

Waging a war against a known foe is supposed to be easier. You know its strengths, weaknesses, and plans of attack.  But sometimes, even if it is easier, it still seems way too hard. I feel that way about my battle, yes battle, with polycystic ovarian syndrome. It is a life robber - a robber of health, a robber of babies not born, a robber of self-esteem, and a robber of faith, of sorts. Not a robber of my faith in God, that remains strong and as I lean into the arms of the God who loves me, He gives me hope and strength. It's a robber of faith in medicine, in man's ability to cure what they don't even really understand. And I think - if they don't understand it, how the heck am I supposed to understand it?

I saw a doctor today in Iowa City who should, if anyone should, understand PCOS. And I suppose the fact that he did not tell me anything that I didn't already know mostly means that I have educated myself well about the disorder. I'll admit that I was holding out a little hope for a 'magic pill' that would help me lose weight and make me able to have babies if I wanted to someday. Alas, no magic pill was to be found. Guess I am not that surprised. Sure, there are pills out there that could help me lose weight, and even pills that could help me have babies. But at what cost? I think it is a higher cost than I am willing to pay.

I did have a course of treatment provided to me that I am going to try. But most of the changes that will have to happen depend soley on me and my willingness to change. Am I willing? Certainly. Do I feel confident that I can? Certainly not. I have the support, wonderful support. I have the knowledge. I have the capacity. I have the resources. What am I missing? I don't know. Guess I better start figuring that one out.