Crafty

The crafty bug has been biting me again lately. But I struggle with having the energy and motivation to actually sit down and make something. I need to get working on the baby bag for my new niece/nephew that will be arriving in less than a month. I also have the working to create a burlap wreath for my own door. I made one for my mom that turned out pretty well. I need to do some more research on how to make these a bit easier. It was a pain in the rear to add color to it. My brain doesn't seem to want to comprehend things. I don't know if it is because I am out of practice with creating things or if it is related to the MS cognitive fog that happens. Sometimes I just can't wrap my brain around how to make something that five years ago would have been so easy. Hopefully the motivation to create things will continue to grow and I can start crafting again. I have really missed it!

I don't get it....

So a person calls you their best friend, but then they rarely ever have contact with you. They don't take two seconds to text and ask how a medical procedure went. You try to stay in contact but it doesn't work so well one-sided. They don't tell you anything that is going on in their life because "they don't want to stress you out". Wait, what? You listen to people complain for 40 hours a week, you might as well hear about something from someone you care about, right?

You fly across the country to take care of them after a medical procedure. They take a train to visit you and spend the entire time on their phone talking to someone else. I don't get it.

I guess the only answer is that you are on two different pages and each person views the relationship differently. So do you scrap it? Or just pretend? Or just ignore it? I don't know.

I just don't get it.

I Think I Gave Up....

My husband bought me the book, "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green for Christmas. It is a fictional account from the point of view of a teenager dealing with terminal cancer. I wasn't sure how I was going to like it but I wanted to give it a shot because the book jacket information was interesting. Turns out, it is funny and tragic and wonderful in a lot of ways. You don't really expect a fictional book to teach you things about yourself but this one did. I came to the conclusion that I think I gave up after I was diagnosed with MS. Maybe not right away, but eventually I think I felt like I had no chance of getting better or living a happy, pain-free life anymore. This was made much worse by the terrible exacerbation I experienced in March 2013. I was basically forced (by me) to quit singing at my church as it was ending up to be a ton of stress that nobody really cared about but me. Several people said they would help, but didn't. I had to go through three days of steroid infusions followed by about a month of steroids to taper down. Suffice it to say, this is not fun. Feel free to look up the potential side effects of steroids if you don't believe me. I get most of them.

There is a line in the book that really stuck out to me, "My final chapter was written upon diagnosis". I really think I felt like this when I was diagnosed. I thought, well, there we have it. I am going to slowly deteriorate until I meet a very painful end, likely caused by no longer being able to breathe. Or something like that. But I realized, that may be my ending. But it might not too. With regards to the multiple sclerosis (they are scary words, yes?), I am very much on the mild end of the spectrum. Looking at me, you would never be able to tell as I am fully mobile and require no walking assistance devices. Talking to me, hopefully you would be able to tell that I am educated well, though I do tend to mix words up sometimes and have difficulty coming up with words as well, at times. You may even find spelling or grammatical errors in this post. I am fatigued much of the time, but it is relatively easy to cope with as long as I give myself time.

I'll admit, some of the projects that I would like to get completed are a bit scary to think about at this time. But it is stuff that I am fully capable of - painting, pulling up carpet, etc. It's scary because I have always been so independent. Now I am forced to rely on others to help me do what I cannot. It takes me a long time to clean the house, because I get tired easily. But I CAN do it.

So, my goal this year is to focus on being a healthier version of me. Eating less and more healthy. Moving more and getting more stuff done instead of vegging. Making sure my husband knows how very much I value him and his love (more than anything). What I am less focused on is what everyone else thinks I should or should not be doing. I have set strict limits and boundaries on myself to avoid becoming over-stressed. These have been and are working in my favor and today I feel better than I have in a long time. But these boundaries must be kept in place because people will take advantage if given the chance (sadly enough).  

I will not allow MS to write the final chapter in my life. It is a poor writer after all, only showing the bad and none of the good. Instead, I will continue to write my current chapters and leave that last one unwritten until it arrives.

Almost a new year

Usually I do a year end review but those tend to track what horrible things my health has done to me lately. So, I will refrain and just post a little recap. Obviously I still have MS, and PCOS, and a wonderful husband (thankfully) and crafty hobbies. I am still overweight, worse now than ever, but hopefully that can still change. I am still able to work, which I think is a good thing for the most part.

I have had the idea of not weighing myself for an entire year. Trying to make healthy choices and exercise more, and not be defined by a number. I figure I can just close my eyes at the doc appts. and tell them what I am doing and why. Then on December 31st of 2014, I can weigh myself and see what happened over a year. I will know if changes are happening because my clothing will change but I won't have to obsess over a number changing. I think it could be cool. Trying to figure out a program to help with this that doesn't require you to put your weight in could be a little more difficult. I could always get on the scale, and have hubby change the numbers. But I think it would be too tempting to look. And I know what is a good choice and a bad choice when it comes to foods. So it will require me to weed out more bad choices which would be a good thing for me. We'll see, not sure if it will happen, but I have been kicking it around a little.

I am hoping that the new year will be a bit easier on me health wise than this year was. I had a bad relapse in March and the steroids with that are never fun.  I have been very good about taking my shot and medicine every day so that should help keep me on the straight and narrow.

Six Years!

Yesterday was my and Steve's six year anniversary. Hard to believe that it has already been six years in some respects, but then it feels much longer in others (in a good way). It feels as if we have always been together and the time before we were together was more of a story that I read at some point and remember vaguely. While he is in no way perfect (me either), he tries, which is more than I can say for most husbands out there. He doesn't try to be perfect, but he tries to give me what I need. Unfortunately for him, that seems to change on a daily basis! But he keeps trying and keeps communicating - which is really what I actually need.

We had a good weekend together, mostly spending time together going out to eat. But it was very enjoyable and gave us time to reconnect. We also began reading The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman out loud to each other. If you have never read out loud to your spouse or had him read to you, you are really missing out! It allows the imagination to really take off like listening to a book on tape does. You don't have to focus where you are on a page and can just let your imagination run wild. All around fabulous!

Otherwise, not much going on in our world. I haven't had the time, the clean space, or the motivation to do much crafting lately. I have some fabric to make kitchen curtains and need to find the time soon to do that. I think the old ones, covered in a thick layer of cat hair shall be going in the trashcan. I have also been working on a baby gift for my new niece/nephew that will be arriving next year. It's looking good and I think I will have time to get it all done before baby arrives.

So, six years down, another sixty to go! :)

Today...

Gotta start someday why not today?
Gotta start some time why not now?!

Here goes nothing!

Motivated?

Like most Mondays it seems, I am feeling motivated to lose weight again. I simply hate how I look, my face is so round and boyish with my short hair cut. I am heavier now than I have ever been in my entire life. I am scared to step on the scale because I really don't know if I can handle the number that it shows me. But on the other hand, I need to know where I am beginning too. I am not a good influence or example for my clients that want to lose weight. Makes me pretty hypocritical to tell them how to lose weight when I am obviously very overweight myself. It felt terrible when a client pointed this out to me. I appreciated the honesty but wow, that brought me down to earth for sure. Since completing my relapse treatment, I have been more active, but compared to what I was doing, that doesn't say much. During the relapse, I didn't do anything because I was so exhausted. I think it became a bit of a habit almost. So, now I am trying to get more stuff done but it just feels hopeless and pointless. I have to mow the yard today so I am forced into exercise. That is not such a bad thing for me. I need to weed my flower garden areas as well but I am scared to kneel for fear that I won't be able to get back up. Will just have to try and go from there.