Stuff

I haven't forgotten to post, but things have been busy and relatively uninteresting lately. My class has started at QU and so far so good. I am keeping busy at church, which I love. I can't believe that it is February already. Next Friday will be one year since my accident. I am definitely much better than I was last year, but the insurance side of it hasn't been settled yet so it could be stressful in the next few months until that gets dealt with. My husband is still amazing and I swear he gets more awesome by the day. I am so blessed to have him in my life!

Highlights of 2009

This year has been a surprisingly tough one. Thinking over the last year leaves me wondering what 2010 could possibly bring me. The following is a bit of a run down of what the year was like. Hopefully I can do justice to the good things that have happened along with the not-so-good things.

1. January was a pretty good month I think, nothing major good or bad.

2. February was the month of my car accident. It happened on Feb 19th and then I got a kidney stone on Feb 23rd. Kind of a double whammy there! We were able to get new vehicles and for the first time in my life, I bought my own vehicle and got exactly what I wanted. There is always a silver lining.

3. March was pretty much a month of pain from the car accident. It hurt to do everything from washing my hair, picking up my nephew, gardening, and everything else.

4. April continued the healing process from the car accident. It was probably about this time that I realized that I would have to hire a lawyer to make sure that the car insurance covered what they were required to cover and I didn't get tricked out of them covering my medical bills.

5. May was a month of medical tests. I hired the lawyer at the beginning of the month. I also had a chest x-ray and a chest CT scan to try to determine why I was still experiencing pain in my chest. Neither showed an answer and my chiropractor hypothesized that it was due to ribs being out of place. Based on the pain in my chest and in my back I agreed that this was a likely cause for the pain. This was also the month that I talked to Geoff and Marissa about joining the First Christian Church and found that they were kindred souls. This month I made the decision that I would join FCC after I completed my obligations at the church in Loraine.

6. June was a fairly low-key month. At the end of the month, my vacation started and my mom and I painted our living room and I painted the upstairs guest bedroom and decorated it.

7. July was the month of my 27th birthday. I went forward at church on my birthday and joined the church and reconfirmed my faith in Jesus Christ. My best friend Jenn came for the weekend and we had a great time going around and taking pictures, getting her hair cut, and drinking margaritas at the mexican restaurant. This was the first year I took a whole week of vacation to just kick back and enjoy. Two weeks after my birthday I was baptized.

8. August was a month of reconnecting. My friend Aaron got married to a wonderful woman and I was blessed to have been able to be there. My aunt Debbie came back for a visit from Texas. I hadn't seen her since Steve and I got married so it was nice to visit with her again. My nephew turned three this month and we got to have a party to celebrate him. I also believe this was the month that my husband came forward at church and made his confession of faith and was baptized. Such an answered prayer! I think I also joined the praise band at church this month. I am so glad I did!

9. September marked my and Steve's two year wedding anniversary. It's hard to believe that such a wonderful man could be mine! We had a relatively low-key celebration as is our usual custom.

10. October was also a good month. I believe I had my fourth or fifth bout of tonsilitis this month and finally got an appointment scheduled in November to have them removed.

11. November was a very busy month. I had my tonsils removed on the 18th and then had to deal with recovery and Thanksgiving. Steve and I had to split our Thanksgivings this year since they were both on the same day. We also celebrated Christmas with his dad this month. This month also holds my husband's birthday on the 10th. I was also finally released by my chiropractor this month and my neck and chest and back are feeling pretty good. I still have some pain in my chest.

12. December was also a very busy month. We had about eight Christmas get-togethers to make it to. We made it to about five of them due to problems with the weather or scheduling problems. It was wonderful to spend time with family. I managed to crack my toenail and have to have that taken care of (yesterday) so it hurts. And I have an ultrasound today to determine if something is going on that shouldn't be. Praying that it will go well. We also got a kitty this month and he passed away three weeks later due to complications with his declaw. So this was kind of a sad month.

All in all it was a fairly stressful year but it also had plenty of blessings in it. I am very thankful to have a wonderful marriage with a great man and so many loving friends and family. I am grateful for a new church family that welcomed me and Steve with open arms. Hopefully all the medical issues will be resolving themselves soon and I will be able to get the car accident taken care of soon as well. There's my year in review!

Sadness

We adopted a little kitten from the local Humane Society about three weeks ago. We named him Hemingway The HS had him neutered and declawed at a local vet, though not the one that we planned on using for his regular care. We picked him up on a Tuesday and brought him home. His poor little feet where swollen and a little bloody. The HS told us that he had pawed at his cage and tore the bandages off. We weren't given any pain meds for him but were told that he had been given a shot for pain. So we kept an eye on him and his feet shrunk down to normal size though he was still favoring them quite a bit. He was still favoring them quite a bit by Saturday so I decided to call our vet and take him in. The doc was super nice and thought that he was just experiencing pain. His feet didn't look bad so I was in agreement. He gave me pain meds to give him and got him set up to come back for future vaccinations that he would need. He seemed to improve throughout the week though he was still favoring his feet. On Friday during my lunch hour, I noticed that his feet looked swollen. Not wanting to freak out unneccesarily I waited until Steve could look at them. He agreed that they looked swollen so I called the vet on Saturday and took him down again. Nine out of ten of his digits were infected so they ended up keeping him and pushing out the infection, cleaning, and wrapped his paws. They gave me antibiotics and more pain meds for him. He didn't like having his feet wrapped but he took it well. We had to take him back on Monday to get his feet cleaned and wrapped again. He went through it without any problems. Throughout the week he seems to get a lot better and was much more playful. We had to take him back on Friday to have his paws cleaned and wrapped again. Steve dropped him off and I was going to pick him up in the afternoon when he was done. I got a call at work while I was in session from the vet. I called him back on my lunch hour. He told me that Hemingway had done fine while they were cleaning his paws but that he had been concerned that he wasn't healing as quickly as he should have been. In between the time he had called me to see if there was any known underlying conditions becaues Hemi's feet weren't healing very quickly and by the time I called him back, Hemingway had died from unknown complications. Needless to say it was quite shocking and unexpected. I could tell the vet felt really bad and felt even worse that he couldn't give us an explanation.

I got home and had to wake up Steve and tell him what happened. We ended up going to the vet office and picking up our sweet kitty which the vet had put in a bag and box for us. He told Steve the same story about what had happened that he had told me and again expressed his sorrow for our loss. He agreed to go ahead and test for feline leukemia and FIV just in case as Hemi was near other kitties at the HS. He called me that night and told me that Hemi had tested negative. So we may never know what took our little kitty from us. It's amazing how fast we bonded with him. It hurt so badly to lose him and I still expect to see or hear him padding around the corner looking for me. I miss him cuddling up next to me in bed and purring with his loud Hemi motor.

We took him to Mom's with us yesterday and buried him next to the cat I grew up with that mom had to put down earlier this year. I sincerely wish that I believed that animals can go to heaven. Though I do believe that animals are God's creatures and that God takes care of his creatures so I think he's okay, no matter what.

Rest in peace little Hemingway, you are missed and loved.

Christmas is coming!

It's that time of year again when the lights and trees are up and suddenly everyone loves everyone else. I have always been a big fan of Christmas. Despite not really growing up with a lot of money, my parents always managed to provide a good Christmas for us and it was a joy to get up really early and sneak downstairs and stare at the living room full of gifts. It's not really as much fun now as it was then since I usually know what's under the tree. It takes a lot of the anticipation away when you pretty much already know what you are unwrapping. It's kind of a double edged sword though because if I don't ask for what I specifically would like, then I end up with some really strange random things sometimes! But I really think my favorite part of Christmas is the beauty of the season. I love how beautiful houses look when they are all decorated. I love how amazing the church looks when all the greens and lights have been hung up. I especially love Christmas music. I also love to give presents and try to find the perfect thing that the specific person would love. Unfortunately I have resorted to gift cards over the past few years because some people are so hard to buy for.

This year Christmas will be busy as usual. We have already celebrated Christmas with Steve's dad as he was only coming back for Thanksgiving and not around Christmas. We will be going to my mom's this Saturday afternoon, and then my dad's on Saturday evening. Then on Sunday we will go to Steve's aunt and uncle's house for a get-together and ornament exchange. Then Christmas day we will go to Steve's mom's for lunch and then to my step-family's the day after Christmas. Unfortunately we do have to miss Christmas with my paternal grandparents since it is at the same times as my mom's. But I made sure to go there for Thanksgiving since I had a feeling that the Christmases would conflict. I am learning that you can't make people happy all the time, and not usually even most of the time. So we try to get where we can and not feel stressed over it. Feeling stressed over Christmas kinda defeats the purpose in my mind. I do feel sad about having to miss two Saturday night church services in a row but I suppose sacrifices must be made. And since I am always the child who has to bend then my stuff gets missed. But it keeps the peace so I guess it is worth it in the end.

Tonsils

I had my tonsils removed yesterday morning and am actually not feeling as horrible as I thought I would be. Except for my throat and a bit of a wheezing cough, physically I don't feel too bad. My lungs were irritated after the surgery, most likely from the tube they put down my throat, they said. It does hurt quite a bit to talk so I have resorted to using a notebook to help me communicate with Steve. I am trying to take it easy and not push myself as I have been known to do in the past when recovering. I have amoxocillin and tylonel with codeine, both in liquid forms that I can squirt into my mouth with a syringe. The tylonel with codeine burns my throat a lot so it is always followed with a water chaser, lol.

I got out a flashlight and looked at the back of my throat. It's pretty gross and I can't imagine what it will look like when it scabs up. I was able to "eat" chicken broth and sherbet ice cream last night. I could have just kept eating the ice cream. It really helped numb my throat while I was eating it.

I wish I knew how long it was going to be until I could sing again, but I will just have to play that by ear (ha, no pun intended). Steve will go back to work tonight but I am sure I will be fine here. I have lots of movies and two bookshelves crammed with books, and of course, the internet!

I think I am going to get some ice cream again. I am trying to stay away from the dairy type stuff since people have told me that it kinda coats your throat. Sherbet doesn't do that, as it is not dairy. And I have jello too so it's all good.

The Masks We Wear

Sometimes I ponder about the masks that my clients wear when they are in my office. Sometimes, the real person behind the mask is so incredibly different that I am rather shocked when I "find out" the other side of a person that I counsel. I joked once with my hair stylist that she probably gets more truth and I do out of people. She didn't agree, but I am pretty sure that people feel they have to put on their "good" face when they come in my office. It is kind of sad sometimes because I so desperately want to help people but am missing a core part of their personality that they don't want to admit. So I find it hard to fully understand them since I don't see all the parts of the puzzle. Now, some of this is my responsibility as a therapist to flush out these other aspects so that the person can confront them and deal with them. But people get masks on so tight sometimes that they refuse to allow that a part of their personality is integral to understanding the whole picture. It is quite frustrating sometimes.

I also consider the masks that I wear and why I wear them and with whom I wear them. My husband and my mom are probably the only ones that really get the deeper sides of my personality, the sides that I don't show very often. I know that I don't even fully understand all the different facets of my personality. But it's part of the learning process as we go through life and begin to understand ourselves better and better. I think I run into problems when someone else acts like they know me and make judgments on that information. I know that they don't have a clue and some part of me really resists being stuffed into a little box. On the other hand though, I know that I probably unconsciously do the very same thing. Assumptions are very easy to make and very hard to get rid of even when we know the truth. So I am challenging myself to look beyond and see the real person underneath the mask, both for other people and for myself. Hopefully people will return the favor and keep an open mind about me and about their peers.

Trusting...

I have always been one of those people who thought, "if I want something done right, I have to do it myself". This has, over the years, led me to do a lot more meaningless tasks that I can probably even imagine. One area where I have been really bad at this is trusting that God will take care of me. I have no doubt that I have gotten in my own way, and in His way while he is trying to make something work in my life. I don't believe that if God wants something to happen, that I can truly get in His way, but sometimes I wonder if I don't make it more difficult. I have long since said that God does not whisper to me, he uses a frying pan. I imagine that is a result of me not listening to the whisper first. Even after 14 years of Christianity, I am still constantly amazed when God makes something work in my life. This doesn't meant that everything is always easy of course. I just means that I always have whatever I need in order to get the problem solved.

For instance, I did not have the requirements in order to get licensed so that I can bill all the insurance companies at work. I should have, after finishing a Clinical Psychology master's program. But different states have different requirements so I have found myself in a position of needing to take three additional classes. At first I was overcome with anxiety and fear that this would put my job in jeopardy. This isn't a great time to have to worry about something like that. While I have no idea if my job is/was/could be in jeopardy, I realized that I just have to do my best to correct the problem. I even considered changing my career completely and attending nursing school. But I decided that I could help people in this profession and I shouldn't throw away six years of college work.

So, the first thing I did was plead with all prior professors to do an independent study with me. Well, very few prior professors are left in my program, most have moved on or retired. My prior coordinator is on sabbatical this year and will be out of the country. I exhausted every avenue that I could possibly think of and it didn't work. Despair. So then I started looking at other colleges in my area. WIU has the program and courses that I would need. So I spent the money and applied to the school as a non-degree seeking student. I got my acceptance letter in the mail the day after the last day to add classes for the fall semester. And, despite several attempts, no one ever returned my emails about the specific classes that I should take. Plus, I would have had to drive to Moline to take the classes. Despair yet again. So finally, I prayed in earnest that I would know what to do and that God would make his wishes for my life apparent (basically asking God to bust out the frying pan yet again).

The next evening at Bible study, I was discussing my dilemma with a friend and he simply asked me why didn't I go to Quincy University to complete the requirements. I didn't even realize that QU offered graduate level classes so the next day I looked into it. By the end of that day, I had an email back from the coordinator of adult studies with plenty of information to get me started. I also received information from the professors regarding syllabi needed to provide to the review board to make sure the requirements would be met. At this time, the school has all my information except a wonderful letter of recommendation sent by my prior graduate coordinator which I will put in the mail today. I will be able to take up to 9 credit hours as a non-degree seeking graduate student. I only need 9 hours of graduate work (three classes). Plus, the classes are in the evenings so I will not have to miss work. And Quincy is only about an hour away.

The classes will likely conflict with other things in my life. But I feel confident that it will work out in some way. Perhaps if I had prayed first and not waited for the frying pan, I would have been able to start classes this fall instead of this spring. I haven't yet figured out how I will pay for the classes, but I rest in the assurances of God that I will be taken care of. He will provide for me as He sees fit. I also trust that God will give me the energy and stamina to work full-time and complete classes. Are all my worries and anxieties gone - well no, but I am trying to remember the lesson I have learned here. Listen for the whisper, don't wait for the frying pan!