Usually I do a year end review but those tend to track what horrible things my health has done to me lately. So, I will refrain and just post a little recap. Obviously I still have MS, and PCOS, and a wonderful husband (thankfully) and crafty hobbies. I am still overweight, worse now than ever, but hopefully that can still change. I am still able to work, which I think is a good thing for the most part.
I have had the idea of not weighing myself for an entire year. Trying to make healthy choices and exercise more, and not be defined by a number. I figure I can just close my eyes at the doc appts. and tell them what I am doing and why. Then on December 31st of 2014, I can weigh myself and see what happened over a year. I will know if changes are happening because my clothing will change but I won't have to obsess over a number changing. I think it could be cool. Trying to figure out a program to help with this that doesn't require you to put your weight in could be a little more difficult. I could always get on the scale, and have hubby change the numbers. But I think it would be too tempting to look. And I know what is a good choice and a bad choice when it comes to foods. So it will require me to weed out more bad choices which would be a good thing for me. We'll see, not sure if it will happen, but I have been kicking it around a little.
I am hoping that the new year will be a bit easier on me health wise than this year was. I had a bad relapse in March and the steroids with that are never fun. I have been very good about taking my shot and medicine every day so that should help keep me on the straight and narrow.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Monday, September 16, 2013
Six Years!
Yesterday was my and Steve's six year anniversary. Hard to believe that it has already been six years in some respects, but then it feels much longer in others (in a good way). It feels as if we have always been together and the time before we were together was more of a story that I read at some point and remember vaguely. While he is in no way perfect (me either), he tries, which is more than I can say for most husbands out there. He doesn't try to be perfect, but he tries to give me what I need. Unfortunately for him, that seems to change on a daily basis! But he keeps trying and keeps communicating - which is really what I actually need.
We had a good weekend together, mostly spending time together going out to eat. But it was very enjoyable and gave us time to reconnect. We also began reading The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman out loud to each other. If you have never read out loud to your spouse or had him read to you, you are really missing out! It allows the imagination to really take off like listening to a book on tape does. You don't have to focus where you are on a page and can just let your imagination run wild. All around fabulous!
Otherwise, not much going on in our world. I haven't had the time, the clean space, or the motivation to do much crafting lately. I have some fabric to make kitchen curtains and need to find the time soon to do that. I think the old ones, covered in a thick layer of cat hair shall be going in the trashcan. I have also been working on a baby gift for my new niece/nephew that will be arriving next year. It's looking good and I think I will have time to get it all done before baby arrives.
So, six years down, another sixty to go! :)
We had a good weekend together, mostly spending time together going out to eat. But it was very enjoyable and gave us time to reconnect. We also began reading The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman out loud to each other. If you have never read out loud to your spouse or had him read to you, you are really missing out! It allows the imagination to really take off like listening to a book on tape does. You don't have to focus where you are on a page and can just let your imagination run wild. All around fabulous!
Otherwise, not much going on in our world. I haven't had the time, the clean space, or the motivation to do much crafting lately. I have some fabric to make kitchen curtains and need to find the time soon to do that. I think the old ones, covered in a thick layer of cat hair shall be going in the trashcan. I have also been working on a baby gift for my new niece/nephew that will be arriving next year. It's looking good and I think I will have time to get it all done before baby arrives.
So, six years down, another sixty to go! :)
Monday, May 20, 2013
Motivated?
Like most Mondays it seems, I am feeling motivated to lose weight again. I simply hate how I look, my face is so round and boyish with my short hair cut. I am heavier now than I have ever been in my entire life. I am scared to step on the scale because I really don't know if I can handle the number that it shows me. But on the other hand, I need to know where I am beginning too. I am not a good influence or example for my clients that want to lose weight. Makes me pretty hypocritical to tell them how to lose weight when I am obviously very overweight myself. It felt terrible when a client pointed this out to me. I appreciated the honesty but wow, that brought me down to earth for sure. Since completing my relapse treatment, I have been more active, but compared to what I was doing, that doesn't say much. During the relapse, I didn't do anything because I was so exhausted. I think it became a bit of a habit almost. So, now I am trying to get more stuff done but it just feels hopeless and pointless. I have to mow the yard today so I am forced into exercise. That is not such a bad thing for me. I need to weed my flower garden areas as well but I am scared to kneel for fear that I won't be able to get back up. Will just have to try and go from there.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Why I Stopped Singing
If you are a part of my life, no doubt you know that I sing and I love to sing. For the past three and a half years, I have been part of the worship team at my church. For the past two years I have been leading the worship team for Saturday nights. What I thought this meant is choosing songs and generally just keeping everyone on track. What it really meant was learning how to run a sound board with no previous experience, understanding lighting and trying to configure it to make everyone happy (impossible), dealing with people constantly showing up late (therefore making practice run late), trying to work with several different people's scheduled absences and still have a full band, rarely getting to take a night off, constantly trying to keep the music sets from becoming stale, and never feeling like I got to be able to worship because I was so busy trying to make it the "right" atmosphere for the congregation to worship.
People often ask me why I didn't enter into music professionally or become a voice teacher or something like that. I briefly thought about being a music education teacher while I was in college but realized that if I tried to teach people (children especially) something that comes so easily and naturally to me, I would end up hating it. I don't know if that is what is happening now, but it sure feels like it. I still love to sing, but no longer feel the desire to ever perform, maybe ever again. It saddens me, but honestly, I love to sing because I enjoy music, not because I enjoy the response of people. I am much happier singing to the radio in my truck than I have ever been performing in front of people. For some reason, it seems that people think that I (and I know other musicians have experienced this too) should offer up my talents just for the heck of it. Well, it is time consuming, stressful, and requires a lot of logistics to figure out. If your neighbor was a dentist, would you expect him to fill your cavities for free? I hope not. But, people expect that I can and will offer up my voice to whatever it is that they want, a wedding, funeral, special service, whatever without any type of compensation.
Okay, so I sound really bitter. I'm not really, just frustrated that no one understands. And believe me, it's not about the money or lack thereof. Though honestly, during the months that my husband was laid off and now paying into COBRA for insurance that I cannot go without, it would have been extremely helpful. But I never had time to get anything done that I wanted to get done. I missed a lot of family and friend events, Christmases, birthdays, weddings (lots of weddings) because I had committed to something and I take my commitments seriously.
My multiple sclerosis has also been a factor of my decision. I was diagnosed in 2011 and have had a lot of ups and downs with it. For the last 6-9 months, I have felt exhausted, beyond exhausted and could barely keep my head up with the stress of working a full time (mentally exhausting) job, the band, and all of my other commitments. I had surgery in December to have my gallbladder removed. That helped some with the constant illness related to my digestion. However, the exhaustion continued. Finally last month, my doctor ordered an MRI and blood work. My blood work came back fine but my MRI showed three active lesions on my brain. I completed two days of a steroid infusion and 21 days of a steroid taper pack. I finally feel like me again though I am still dealing with the after effects of the steroids (weight gain, dry scaly skin etc.).
So right now, I am enjoying my freedom, getting things done around my house, spending time with my husband and family, and all around enjoying life. I have been able to sleep and make it to work on time. I have been able to attend family functions on the weekends. I don't know when or if I will return to singing, but I don't miss it yet. I don't know when I am going to start missing it. Maybe never. Just have to see what the future holds and how God guides me regarding this.
People often ask me why I didn't enter into music professionally or become a voice teacher or something like that. I briefly thought about being a music education teacher while I was in college but realized that if I tried to teach people (children especially) something that comes so easily and naturally to me, I would end up hating it. I don't know if that is what is happening now, but it sure feels like it. I still love to sing, but no longer feel the desire to ever perform, maybe ever again. It saddens me, but honestly, I love to sing because I enjoy music, not because I enjoy the response of people. I am much happier singing to the radio in my truck than I have ever been performing in front of people. For some reason, it seems that people think that I (and I know other musicians have experienced this too) should offer up my talents just for the heck of it. Well, it is time consuming, stressful, and requires a lot of logistics to figure out. If your neighbor was a dentist, would you expect him to fill your cavities for free? I hope not. But, people expect that I can and will offer up my voice to whatever it is that they want, a wedding, funeral, special service, whatever without any type of compensation.
Okay, so I sound really bitter. I'm not really, just frustrated that no one understands. And believe me, it's not about the money or lack thereof. Though honestly, during the months that my husband was laid off and now paying into COBRA for insurance that I cannot go without, it would have been extremely helpful. But I never had time to get anything done that I wanted to get done. I missed a lot of family and friend events, Christmases, birthdays, weddings (lots of weddings) because I had committed to something and I take my commitments seriously.
My multiple sclerosis has also been a factor of my decision. I was diagnosed in 2011 and have had a lot of ups and downs with it. For the last 6-9 months, I have felt exhausted, beyond exhausted and could barely keep my head up with the stress of working a full time (mentally exhausting) job, the band, and all of my other commitments. I had surgery in December to have my gallbladder removed. That helped some with the constant illness related to my digestion. However, the exhaustion continued. Finally last month, my doctor ordered an MRI and blood work. My blood work came back fine but my MRI showed three active lesions on my brain. I completed two days of a steroid infusion and 21 days of a steroid taper pack. I finally feel like me again though I am still dealing with the after effects of the steroids (weight gain, dry scaly skin etc.).
So right now, I am enjoying my freedom, getting things done around my house, spending time with my husband and family, and all around enjoying life. I have been able to sleep and make it to work on time. I have been able to attend family functions on the weekends. I don't know when or if I will return to singing, but I don't miss it yet. I don't know when I am going to start missing it. Maybe never. Just have to see what the future holds and how God guides me regarding this.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Snowing, snowing, snowing....
It has been snowing on and off since last Thursday (almost a week now, wow!). I love it, I think it is so pretty. The roads aren't horrible but they aren't much fun either. It's hard to believe that it is almost March already. I swear, it feels like Christmas was yesterday and it will be here tomorrow again! Time is really moving. To update on the things doing on currently:
My beautiful niece was born in January on the 19th early in the morning. She is very precious and is growing and doing well. My nephew is doing well and enjoying his little sister.
Last Sunday was the one year anniversary of losing my Grandpa Dale. It's still a hard loss but gets easier with time. I wanted to go out to his grave and put some flowers on it but the snow is so bad right now that it will have to wait until it gets nicer out.
I have been feeling much better since getting my gall bladder out. It has helped a lot with not getting sick after I eat. My digestive system still sucks pretty bad but is better than it has been in the past at least. My MS appears to be stable at this point so that is good.
Other than that, I have junk going on in my brain that I am not ready to "put on paper" yet. The basic theme is that I feel like a dancing monkey people feel like they can throw a quarter in and get me to do whatever they want. Somedays I wish I couldn't sing, sure would take a load of crap off my plate. *sigh*
My beautiful niece was born in January on the 19th early in the morning. She is very precious and is growing and doing well. My nephew is doing well and enjoying his little sister.
Last Sunday was the one year anniversary of losing my Grandpa Dale. It's still a hard loss but gets easier with time. I wanted to go out to his grave and put some flowers on it but the snow is so bad right now that it will have to wait until it gets nicer out.
I have been feeling much better since getting my gall bladder out. It has helped a lot with not getting sick after I eat. My digestive system still sucks pretty bad but is better than it has been in the past at least. My MS appears to be stable at this point so that is good.
Other than that, I have junk going on in my brain that I am not ready to "put on paper" yet. The basic theme is that I feel like a dancing monkey people feel like they can throw a quarter in and get me to do whatever they want. Somedays I wish I couldn't sing, sure would take a load of crap off my plate. *sigh*
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
A Year in the Life of Me!
January - 2012 started with illness that took a long time to finally heal. After doing at least two different rounds of antibiotics, they finally did a throat culture and determined that I had thrush. Once it was finally treated correctly, it went away quickly.
February - My grandpa Dale died on February 24th after dealing with congestive heart failure for many years. He contracted pneumonia and his body was just not able to fight it off. I went to see him on his last day and though he was not awake at any point, I hope he heard me tell him that I loved him and that it would be okay if he needed to go. I miss him terribly, to this day. I officiated the funeral because I could not deal with the idea of some stranger trying to eulogize a man he/she had never met. It was not an easy task but so incredibly rewarding to honor him this way.
March - I changed my MS medication to Copaxone instead of Rebif. This meant taking a daily shot instead of a shot three times a week. However, the difference in fatigue and general feelings of malaise improved dramatically. I continued to experience health concerns including frequent digestive problems that I suspected were gallbladder related. It's easy for the doc to just chalk it up to the MS though so it's hard to tell what is actually going on.
April - I went to see the reproductive endocrinologist in Iowa City this month. I asked him for a better fix to the PCOS and he actually offered to do a complete hysterectomy. I have considered this in the past but shied away due to the major surgery aspect. Additionally, I have enough menopausal symptoms already, I didn't really want more. It is something I have continued to think about and pray about.
May - Steve's grandmother passed away this month. He dealt well with this, though she was last of his biological grandparents who was still living. Her husband is doing well though and we hope that Grandpa Jim will be around for many years. Millie was buried in the National Cemetery. This month continued with back pain and digestive issues.
June - Due to the continuing health issues, I had to have a lumbar MRI and x-ray to determine if there was an MS reason for the problems that I had been experiencing. Fortunately and unfortunately nothing was found. This was good for my MS but it was later determined that a 5mm kidney stone was the cause of the pain and problems. I ended up suffering from the stone and resulting infections for about three weeks. I went to the emergency room at least four times during this period because of the pain and other effects of the stone. I don't know if I ever passed it or if it is in my bladder just waiting to cause some more pain.
July - I turned 30 years old in July and while this was a little nerve racking, it was compounded by the ongoing health concerns that just wouldn't give up. I had a great birthday however and got to see fireworks on my birthday in Carthage with Steve and Eric. My step-sister also got married this month and the wedding and reception were both beautiful and fun.
August - I fell down our stairs at the beginning of the month and broke the big toe on my left foot. It is the first bone I have ever broken. But after falling down 13 steps, I figured that only breaking a toe was pretty good business. It hurt very bad and I ended up having to wear a boot to stabilize it for six weeks. Also this month, my grandpa Jack died. It seems like he had been gone many years due to the dementia that changed his personality so much. But he was always loving and funny, even to the end. He will be very missed. He was buried in National Cemetery as well and actually right next to Steve's grandmother.
September - This was the month of our 5th Anniversary and FINALLY our honeymoon! We spent three nights and four days in Eureka Springs, Arkansas at a bed and breakfast. We got to see a large cat sanctuary, a drive-through zoo, a cave, lots of shopping, and have lots of fun. It was a great time and both of use really enjoyed the time we spent together during the trip. I did still have to have the boot on and the constant rain made it difficult to walk at times. But it ended up being a great trip to remember and a great way to celebrate our anniversary.
October - We found out when we got back from our vacation that Steve would be laid off from his job. So October was a month of stressing out and worrying about Christmas coming and all the money that we would not have to pay bills and buy Christmas presents. I also continued to have digestive problems and was missing, it seemed, at least one day every pay period of work.
November - This was the month of medical tests. I had a follow-up MRI of my brain and a base-line MRI of my cervical and thoracic spinal cord. No new lesions were found on my brain and one active lesion was found on the cervical area of my spinal cord. No treatments were completed due to my upcoming surgery. The surgery was scheduled after the doctor finally ordered a gallbladder functioning test and it was realized that my gallbladder was only functioning at 7% and was causing all the digestive issues that I had been having for THREE years. This was also the last month that my husband was employed and he was laid off right before Thanksgiving, though given a very nice severance package.
December - I had my gallbladder out on December 7th, a Tuesday. The following day I ran a fever of about 101F all day until it finally went away. Then the next day, I continually threw up and had to go back to a clear liquid diet. Then the next day my poor digestive system revolted. It was not fun. But after dealing with all that, getting the staples out and healing up, I am feeling better now than I have in a long long time. I still have to be careful of some foods but overall, I am much better. At the end of the month, my husband interview and was offered a new job with a new company. God has certainly provided for us!
So, a pretty rough and tough year but ended on a high note with me feeling better and Steve getting a new job which he seems to like.
February - My grandpa Dale died on February 24th after dealing with congestive heart failure for many years. He contracted pneumonia and his body was just not able to fight it off. I went to see him on his last day and though he was not awake at any point, I hope he heard me tell him that I loved him and that it would be okay if he needed to go. I miss him terribly, to this day. I officiated the funeral because I could not deal with the idea of some stranger trying to eulogize a man he/she had never met. It was not an easy task but so incredibly rewarding to honor him this way.
March - I changed my MS medication to Copaxone instead of Rebif. This meant taking a daily shot instead of a shot three times a week. However, the difference in fatigue and general feelings of malaise improved dramatically. I continued to experience health concerns including frequent digestive problems that I suspected were gallbladder related. It's easy for the doc to just chalk it up to the MS though so it's hard to tell what is actually going on.
April - I went to see the reproductive endocrinologist in Iowa City this month. I asked him for a better fix to the PCOS and he actually offered to do a complete hysterectomy. I have considered this in the past but shied away due to the major surgery aspect. Additionally, I have enough menopausal symptoms already, I didn't really want more. It is something I have continued to think about and pray about.
May - Steve's grandmother passed away this month. He dealt well with this, though she was last of his biological grandparents who was still living. Her husband is doing well though and we hope that Grandpa Jim will be around for many years. Millie was buried in the National Cemetery. This month continued with back pain and digestive issues.
June - Due to the continuing health issues, I had to have a lumbar MRI and x-ray to determine if there was an MS reason for the problems that I had been experiencing. Fortunately and unfortunately nothing was found. This was good for my MS but it was later determined that a 5mm kidney stone was the cause of the pain and problems. I ended up suffering from the stone and resulting infections for about three weeks. I went to the emergency room at least four times during this period because of the pain and other effects of the stone. I don't know if I ever passed it or if it is in my bladder just waiting to cause some more pain.
July - I turned 30 years old in July and while this was a little nerve racking, it was compounded by the ongoing health concerns that just wouldn't give up. I had a great birthday however and got to see fireworks on my birthday in Carthage with Steve and Eric. My step-sister also got married this month and the wedding and reception were both beautiful and fun.
August - I fell down our stairs at the beginning of the month and broke the big toe on my left foot. It is the first bone I have ever broken. But after falling down 13 steps, I figured that only breaking a toe was pretty good business. It hurt very bad and I ended up having to wear a boot to stabilize it for six weeks. Also this month, my grandpa Jack died. It seems like he had been gone many years due to the dementia that changed his personality so much. But he was always loving and funny, even to the end. He will be very missed. He was buried in National Cemetery as well and actually right next to Steve's grandmother.
September - This was the month of our 5th Anniversary and FINALLY our honeymoon! We spent three nights and four days in Eureka Springs, Arkansas at a bed and breakfast. We got to see a large cat sanctuary, a drive-through zoo, a cave, lots of shopping, and have lots of fun. It was a great time and both of use really enjoyed the time we spent together during the trip. I did still have to have the boot on and the constant rain made it difficult to walk at times. But it ended up being a great trip to remember and a great way to celebrate our anniversary.
October - We found out when we got back from our vacation that Steve would be laid off from his job. So October was a month of stressing out and worrying about Christmas coming and all the money that we would not have to pay bills and buy Christmas presents. I also continued to have digestive problems and was missing, it seemed, at least one day every pay period of work.
November - This was the month of medical tests. I had a follow-up MRI of my brain and a base-line MRI of my cervical and thoracic spinal cord. No new lesions were found on my brain and one active lesion was found on the cervical area of my spinal cord. No treatments were completed due to my upcoming surgery. The surgery was scheduled after the doctor finally ordered a gallbladder functioning test and it was realized that my gallbladder was only functioning at 7% and was causing all the digestive issues that I had been having for THREE years. This was also the last month that my husband was employed and he was laid off right before Thanksgiving, though given a very nice severance package.
December - I had my gallbladder out on December 7th, a Tuesday. The following day I ran a fever of about 101F all day until it finally went away. Then the next day, I continually threw up and had to go back to a clear liquid diet. Then the next day my poor digestive system revolted. It was not fun. But after dealing with all that, getting the staples out and healing up, I am feeling better now than I have in a long long time. I still have to be careful of some foods but overall, I am much better. At the end of the month, my husband interview and was offered a new job with a new company. God has certainly provided for us!
So, a pretty rough and tough year but ended on a high note with me feeling better and Steve getting a new job which he seems to like.
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