My husband bought me the book, "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green for Christmas. It is a fictional account from the point of view of a teenager dealing with terminal cancer. I wasn't sure how I was going to like it but I wanted to give it a shot because the book jacket information was interesting. Turns out, it is funny and tragic and wonderful in a lot of ways. You don't really expect a fictional book to teach you things about yourself but this one did. I came to the conclusion that I think I gave up after I was diagnosed with MS. Maybe not right away, but eventually I think I felt like I had no chance of getting better or living a happy, pain-free life anymore. This was made much worse by the terrible exacerbation I experienced in March 2013. I was basically forced (by me) to quit singing at my church as it was ending up to be a ton of stress that nobody really cared about but me. Several people said they would help, but didn't. I had to go through three days of steroid infusions followed by about a month of steroids to taper down. Suffice it to say, this is not fun. Feel free to look up the potential side effects of steroids if you don't believe me. I get most of them.
There is a line in the book that really stuck out to me, "My final chapter was written upon diagnosis". I really think I felt like this when I was diagnosed. I thought, well, there we have it. I am going to slowly deteriorate until I meet a very painful end, likely caused by no longer being able to breathe. Or something like that. But I realized, that may be my ending. But it might not too. With regards to the multiple sclerosis (they are scary words, yes?), I am very much on the mild end of the spectrum. Looking at me, you would never be able to tell as I am fully mobile and require no walking assistance devices. Talking to me, hopefully you would be able to tell that I am educated well, though I do tend to mix words up sometimes and have difficulty coming up with words as well, at times. You may even find spelling or grammatical errors in this post. I am fatigued much of the time, but it is relatively easy to cope with as long as I give myself time.
I'll admit, some of the projects that I would like to get completed are a bit scary to think about at this time. But it is stuff that I am fully capable of - painting, pulling up carpet, etc. It's scary because I have always been so independent. Now I am forced to rely on others to help me do what I cannot. It takes me a long time to clean the house, because I get tired easily. But I CAN do it.
So, my goal this year is to focus on being a healthier version of me. Eating less and more healthy. Moving more and getting more stuff done instead of vegging. Making sure my husband knows how very much I value him and his love (more than anything). What I am less focused on is what everyone else thinks I should or should not be doing. I have set strict limits and boundaries on myself to avoid becoming over-stressed. These have been and are working in my favor and today I feel better than I have in a long time. But these boundaries must be kept in place because people will take advantage if given the chance (sadly enough).
I will not allow MS to write the final chapter in my life. It is a poor writer after all, only showing the bad and none of the good. Instead, I will continue to write my current chapters and leave that last one unwritten until it arrives.
